[cross posted on Substack]

I wrote a while back about my constant state of “grim,” a throughline for me for since Trump won the 2016 election.

Now we add dread.

Because as much as I worried about the awfulness Trump would surely bring in his first administration, it ended up being So Much Worse than I could have imagined. And now, going into another Trump regime, I know how bad it can be and expect worse.

I can barely watch the news. Reading is better for in terms of absorbing what is happening, and still, I start articles, and end up skimming them because it’s just fucking depressing. I, the Pollyanna of most of my circles online and off, am feeling more grim, more resigned to awfulness, more defeated than I’ve ever been.

This is not good.

I told my dearest love last night (who is fighting depression and dread more than I am), while we are not at the bottom of the power structure, but we’re pretty close. There’s not a ton we can do. So we have to focus on taking care of ourselves, and supporting the most vulnerable around us as best we can. That’s all we can really do, and it’s important.

But I’m fucking worn out.

First there was the devastation of Trump’s muslim ban, and kids in cages, and all the other insanity of 2017 and on. And then COVID, and the loss of friends and family and tons of people we didn’t know. And George Floyd and all the other murders. And then the brief joy of Dems winning in 2020, and then the insurrection. And then launch into MAGA folks in Congress and in our communities being insane and cruel and meanspirited and utterly unapproachable. And Ukraine. And Gaza. And then the fucking mess of the Democratic party, and the joy of Kamala, and then again, the fucking mess of the 2024 election.

And I know I’m missing things. I don’t even want to try to flush that list out.

And in the midst of all of that national and international misery, my partner of 30+ years faced major depression, an emotionally devastating month-long road trip with an abusive (now former) friend, and a year plus of healing after a critical back injury that could have easily paralized or killed her.

So, that’s been fun.

I know I’ll make it. Probably. But this is an awful time, trying to find stability ahead of what will surely be a country and communities in upheaval. Not everyone will make it, and that’s a horrible thing to know. I hang on to hope, but it’s a grim hope, and it’s been like this for far too long.